I.D.

The main thing I took away from class yesterday is that A.) there is no one way to define identity and B.) we all have different identities we want people to see.

It's hard to determine exactly what the main definition of identity is. However, when I look up identity in a dictionary in my house, it says "condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is" but it also lists the synonyms as "uniqueness, individuality, and personality." Yet, it seems like even though the synonyms define it as a personal label, identity always seems to relate to how someone else defines us. It's something that seems contradictory. 

Like we mentioned in class, it all comes down to labels. How we label ourselves and how other identify someone else. I usually identify people with visuals. I don't mean to, I'm just really bad with names. I always say that I may know you but I can't remember who you are. Usually I'm talking about names is what I'm forgetting. 

Yesterday during class, all I could think about once we discussed identity is how other people identify or "label" me. What identities do they see or register with me? Is it the one I want?

Also, I learned Bailey (Baleigh, Baylee, Bailee, ...?) is basic. 

FIguring out the Bliss of Obstacles

Even though you said not to mention this one in our obstacles, it happens to be a big one for me. The first obstacle is finding the time to do this altered book, at least enough time to get anything out of it. I work and go to school. I usually work and go to school on the same days, as well as work on the days I don't have class, so I have no real day to myself. However -

• What if I took the time to do "me time" at the end of the day, I figure out a way to use the altered book as me time?
• What if I legitimately asked for a weekend off from work and do nothing but work on my altered book?
• What if I take the book with me and work on it on all my breaks at work?

My biggest fear is whether or not this altered book will be good enough. I've been given the opportunity to do whatever I want, yet have no clue as to what I want to do.

• What if I just let me hand do the work for me. Alas, surrendering to my basic instincts and letting my hand do what it wants to?
• What if I used my worries and turned them into the altered book, by some how drawing, creating, sculpting (unclear) these fears into the book however my mind sees them.
• What if I honestly just didn't give a shit? I hear some artist do their best work when they give up worrying and just do it.

I don't allow myself enough time to actually create just for myself, just the work I have to do for school.

•  Similar to the first bullet, setting aside a moment in time - whenever that may be - and just create whatever it is I want to create, instead of worrying about where I'm at in school.
• What if I take the work I'm doing in school, and some how mold it into doing something creative for myself?
• (something I've been wanting to do) What if I set out a journal beside my bed (altered book in this case) and when I have a dream - or nightmare - I draw or write or whatever those dreams in the altered book. I want to do this because I have some weird dreams I remember for about an hour then forget. I have a few good ones, some not so good.

I don't know if my already thought up methods of altering this book will actually be beneficial to me.

• What if I don't look at the methods as a whole, but use them as starting points to do how I feel at the time. It's kind of like cooking, you have all this stuff in the kitchen but what will you make with what you're given and how will you make it?
• What if I look at stuff has having a beneficial purpose for me and let go of my expectations of what it should do and just have fun doing it.
• What if I just try them all and see which one I enjoy best.

I have all these things I feel like I want to say or show or do, but have no idea if I'm getting the point across or not.

• What if I don't worry in the point is getting across to someone else, this is for me not them.
• What if I asked me friends what they feel like my altered book doing for them. How it makes them feel or what they see. Maybe we'll have a match or different feelings.
• What if I ponder at the fact that I don't actually know if this book is even supposed to have a meaning or a purpose - other than being creative - is there a point to even get across?

What's Right In Front Of You

Yesterday, I had read an interview with an artist named Stacy Jean. She is known for drawing modern day figures (think Rihanna or Beyonce) in Victorian style clothing and drawing them on old music book sheets. They are really neat. She also does other things like skulls and what not on these types of paper as well.

What I really liked was that during the interview, she talked about how she had this sheet music in front of her the whole time, it was always there, but that when she first started doing art she went out and bought a ton of stuff, from canvas to drawing sheets. She spent a lot of money, but felt like her art still lacked something. It was similar to a lot of other artists.

One day, she decided to draw a Victorian photo she found and re-do it on music sheets. She then grabbed her niche. And she became really popular for it. From there, she said that you should never discount the stuff sitting around you. It's around you for a reason. It's something you own and bought because you liked it. She had spent money on stuff that didn't inspire or enhance her art in any real way, but she already had something at room that she needed.

It also similar to our altered books in a way. She liked those sheet musics. However, she took them, drew in them, altered them, played around with them. I found it inspiring really.

I don't feel as clueless about my altered book anyway. Still a little clueless, but I've realized I need to look around me to find inspiration. Not try to find it in a mass production.

A bit Chalky

For my senses object, I tried meringue kisses, and I hated them. The taste wasn't bad, but I just really hated the texture, both in my hand and when I ate them.

First off the texture in my mouth resembled mothballs, and yes, I've eaten a mothball. That's why I also can't eat Whopper's candy either. I ate the mothball when I was 10, it ruined certain things for me. `It also had a similar texture in my hand to chalk. I hate the feeling of chalk. Seriously, can't stand it. I would refuse to use the chalk board in school for that reason, or throw a big hissy fit. I'll admit it, I was a pain in the ass. It has a slight baby powder feel, too. It squeaked a little in my mouth as well when I chewed at first. It eventually melts away, but it was a nasty process getting there. If you're into those types of things, it's cool. The texture isn't for everybody.

Now, for what I did with the project, due to the fact it felt like chalk and chewed like mothballs, I decided to say just that. I made homemade chalk with the meringue cookies crushed up and mixed with cornstarch and water. I did it two different ways. Sort of. I mixed the meringue cookies powder, cornstarch and water together, and got a paste. You pour the paste into a round mold of some kind, I used a toilet paper roll lined with wax paper so it wouldn't stick, and let it sit for 24 hours. Also, you can buy meringue cookies in different colors like pink, yellow, purple, etc. I only bought vanilla, so mine were white. To get a colored chalk, all I had to do was mix in some food coloring.

After it dried, I wrote on a cardboard poster painted with a bit of chalk paint "It chews like Mothballs" with my homemade chalk. Next, whenever you make the chalk again, when it's wet and you use it wet, it resembles watercolor to a degree. Not exactly, but a bit. So I did the process one more time, didn't need to bother pouring it into molds or anything and just made a mess - because it tasted and felt like a mess. It came out nice, and smells kind of nice too. I don't know how long it'll last, but I think if you ever tried it and used spray fix or something, it could last. No clue.

Also, since you used all food products for these (if you make them as well) they are biodegradable and can by thrown into the background or compost. If you're into that kind of thing.

Eye For An Eye

I couldn't attend class today because I had an eye exam at the Midwest Eye Institute at 2pm. It stems from a medical issue I had a year ago that left me blind in one eye. If anyone has been to the Midwest Eye Institute, then you know that an "in and out" visit turns into HOURS of sitting. I honestly loathe having to go into that building. Not to mention they had issues with some of my tests from the last time I was there, and they didn't even tell me. So I had to get them all done again. Man was I pissed. It should have been maybe an hour or so visit turned into a 4 and a half hour visit. I was mad. Really mad.

I felt like the nurses were doing this behind my back.

Also, they keep trying to send me to some ophthalmologist because all they keep saying my optic nerve "looks dead" which I'm just thinking "oh really? Is that why I can't see out of it anymore?" Like, I think we gathered the shit don't work. Back to the ophthalmologist. Pretty much she doesn't take my insurance, or any insurance other than medicare for that matter. And if they think I'm paying $250 for the visit and between $50 and $150 for exams (which ends up being like 6 different exams), they are sadly mistaking. It's like the 8th time I've had to deal with this. You'd think they'd realize the answer is no. Granted, I'd like my eye sight back, but I also had to pay to live as well, so I can't go giving up every dime I have.


However, I will say that I got this one test done where I looked into this weird sphere thing and it kept flashing different dots in different colors. It was pretty trippy. Gave me an idea for an entry in my altered book.

I also had some family issues. But that's nothing worth hearing about.

Less Isn't More

I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to do with this project. Then by a serendipitous act of the internet, I came across a quote by Gianni Versace that said "less is a snore" which obviously alludes to the saying "less is more." So I decided to make a poster of sorts with more written numerous times with the quote at the bottom. Just because.