Glass

I'd say the most interesting thing about class and learning about our fears thus far is that a lot of us have similar fears, and deal with them in the same way. I haven't gone yet, but I can say most of the things I could say and how I react to them and handle them has already been said. Most notably with two classmates who talked about how their fears cause them to fall back and not do their art work for fear of either failing at it (like me) or fear of it being judged (for me as well, because I'd consider that a failure). In both cases the students talked about how this fear gets so immense inside of them that they just shut off and hide, which is similar to what I do. If I get to that point, I shut off and take a nap. Which may be saying something because I'm always napping, but who knows. It was just enlightening to hear other students have issues that cause problems with them similar to my own and then hearing people talk about how they would fix it or change it.

Fail

My biggest fear in life is failure. I have a really big guard up around myself to make sure I limit my chances of failure. I can't 100% say what caused it, though.

After reading all the definitions of our four choices, I would honestly say it might be a anxiety, but lends itself more towards a phobia. At first, I was pretty sure it was an anxiety. When I read about anxiety it talked about fast heart beats, sweaty palms, head aches, nail biting, gum biting, and in some cases even panic attacks. I've experienced all of those in situations, and sometimes some at the same time. However, after reading about phobia, I think it may be closer to that. Phobia in and of itself is anxiety. So, either which way you slice it, I have anxiety. The reason I believe it to be more of phobia is biggest I learned that in cases of phobia, the person typically does everything they can to avoid the situations or how much it bothers you. Anxieties, from my understanding, only last the length of the time it is happening (example, like they said about the elevator. Anxiety of it happens while you're on the elevator, but goes away after you get off). But for phobia, it can hinder you minutes, hours, even days before, which in my case has happened. If I know I'm going into a situation where I can possibly be considered a failure, it haunts me for days. I can't sleep. I have troubles eating. I usually have headaches leading up to the problem. Then it really kicks in while I'm in the situation. When I know this can happen, I avoid it like the plague. I'll do anything I can to not have to be confronted with the prospect of failure. This includes failure in all it's forms, from career, to jobs, to homework, or even what other people think of me. If someone dislikes me, even though to a point I don't care because I don't know them, it still will make me have anxiety because I consider it a failure in my mind. It usually affects me in school or social situations. Speech class freaked the shit out of me. However, presenting in general freaks me out. I hate having to talk in front of people. It also creates issues with showing my work. The possibility of people seeing my work and then criticizing it bothers me too. I literally one time in high school told my teacher I didn't want to show the class my project and she said "present or take an F." I took the F. On the flip side, everyone can tell me it's the best thing they have ever seen and I would tell myself they're lying as to not hurt my feelings. It's a double edged sword. I usually wont present my stuff or let anyone see it. I wont apply for jobs for the fact of being rejected, which is a failure. I never think what I do is good enough or worth while. On scales of 1 to 10, I will usually rate my own stuff between 1 and 3. I will also usually avoid tasks that will eventually lead me to the possibility of failure. If I'm working on something, I'll usually find something "more appealing" or that I "have to do right now" so that I don't have to finish and have the chances of failure for it as well. I will usually create something and then fall short and know that it's a failure, so that I'm already prepared for it being a failure.

Look Inward

Thinking about my fear was relatively simple for me. I already know (and have known) what it is for a while now. My biggest issue is telling other people what it is. I don't really like letting people in and letting them know my vulnerable side. My biggest issue is telling what it is and how I got there.

My altered book is still somewhat in a state of flux. Nothing seems like it's the right fit, even though it makes sense. I need to let go of trying to find the right fit and do what comes natural to me. Breaking down my walls seemingly will be the hardest task in general as the class comes to a close.

Entity

It was surprises just how well I think we all oddly connected today during class. Not all of us had the same outcome and realization from the Who Are You assignment, but we all gathered and understood one another. Some of us did have the same outcomes, which isn't too surprising, but it's nice to actually hear you're not alone. It was neat how, personally, I thought about my own answer and how it changed little by little as everyone shared their thoughts as well. As we were speaking, my own (although mute) answer was changing a little is time past. The main thing I think is that we're never the same people we were 1 second ago. We have had thoughts and emotions by then, which in turn, changed - even if slightly - who we are and our own personal recognition of our own entities in this world.

Nobody Knows Me

"Who are you?"

Believe it or not, that's a question I've asked myself multiple times in my life. Not necessarily because I don't know who I am, but it was more like I was trying to ask myself "who do you want to be?" It's oddly similar to Ghandi's saying "be the change you wish to see in the world" what was the change I wanted to see?

Honestly, I've never once been able to answer that question, and it's only fitting I'm asked it again. I could tell you the obvious answer 'because I was born, and I was only born so that my brother had a sibling.' Or I could go all philosophical 'I am here for a purpose and for something far greater than you or I could understand.' But the truth inadvertently is, I have no clue. I can't even come up with a lame excuse as to why I'm here. I really don't believe I'm here because I'll somehow unconscionably change someone's life.

I remember reading an essay a long time ago that said that a person 'dies' every 7 or so years. Not like actually dying, but that cells and what not are reborn every 7 years, thus changing your personality ever so slightly. Kind of like a Phoenix, it's still the same bird, but a whole new bird as well.  I believe it. I truly do. I can say that who I was 7 or so years ago is no where to who I am now. The things I did, acted, said, etc seem like things I could never do now. It truly feels like a whole other person. Some people will just say it's because you've grown and learned, which is true, but it's weird to think just how many distinct personalities we have had in our lives. How many times we've died. It's a strange concept, and might be vaguely uninteresting to most. But it was actually a whole study, with experiments and human testing of cells.

So, back to the task at hand, I honestly have no idea who I am or why I'm here. I have no idea what I want out of life or what I'm looking for. I'm currently the youngest member of my family (my immediate family obviously, I have younger cousins) which means until a child is born from either my brother or me where we pass down our parents genes, I'm the last member of this bloodline. I've heard before that your soul purpose in life is that you are to pass on the bloodline and keep the family alive. It's strange to think just how many bloodlines have crossed and combined to create the limbs of a family tree, but that's a whole separate beast. The shear answer to this question is I don't know, and I can't possibly tell you.

 I literally looked at the blind contour drawing Sheheryar did of me and kept asking "who the hell are you?" I still couldn't even come up with answer. Oddly enough, it's probably my favorite drawing or portrait of me, more so than any photo. Only because I've always wanted to know what I looked like through someone else's eyes. Granted, it's not an exact representation obviously, but it's still me. And strangely, I can see myself in it. I feel like it might actually be an unknown perfect representation of me and my life. I'm a little bit of a mess, my life is a little bit of mess. It's disorganized and cluttered, but still somehow put together. I've never bought a set of anything, nothing matches, everything is a mismatch of randomness. I just saw that contour drawing and was like "oh shit, that is you." It spoke volumes some how.

I've Never Not Been

The movie we watched today made me think primarily about how one connects to the world if they are isolated from the outside portion of it, at least to a degree.

I think the main thing I learned from the film is the sense of identity they portrayed. It wasn't one that a person would covet, they live in poverty, but how content they are living how they do. They have no interest in "normal" jobs, filing taxes, making more money, etc. Their identity is almost like they don't have one. The lot of us are known by our names and the corresponding numbers (social security, driver's license), I mean you have someone steal these and you've got identity theft - oddly enough, Bo does this, without haven't any real knowledge of what they even are, and buys a boat. I'm sure she doesn't understand the repercussion of that, but that's part of her world. She primarily creates a fictional world around her. She has, what I think is a circus, that she holds in the middle of the night, she draws pictures, reads books or is read books. The world as she knows it is pretty much made up in her head.

They have no frivolous luxuries, they enjoy nothing but gardening naked and fishing. Half the things we would probably freak out about (only getting $300 a month) they act like it's no big deal. They manage, and happily so.

I believe that's why Will falls in love with the place and Arlene. We all pretty much do what someone else wants us to do. We have to become an employee and sacrifice our own freedom to pay for a meticulously crafted creation of freedom - money is freedom. However, as the old adage goes, you can't buy happiness. Will has a law degree, becomes an IRS agent, moves around, yet is still unhappy is his life. Bo considers him a well traveled man, whereas he considers himself stuck. He eventually takes on a similar life to Bo, in retrospect. He wants to become part of the outside world they've created, live by little to no means. And like Bo, he begins to create. This fuels his life in ways that being part of a regular world couldn't do for him, and the life he creates in the following 8 years before his death.

It's similar in ways to Henry Darger. He had a job and relation to the world around him, but was predominantly a recluse. He spent his spare time doing nothing but creating. He wrote the worlds longest book and with no formal training, just his own will to create. Creation is made by yourself and you don't need a lot to have it come to fruition.

In the case of the Groden family and Darger, they had no real "identities" in ways that we coin identity. They were humans with personalities, thus making an identity, but not much else. They would be, and in Dargers case is, devastatingly unknown. People don't know much about them until they discover the world they created away from the world that is manufactured to us.

The use of depression in the movie was an example of people trying to find an identity I think. Charley wasn't sure what his problem was, but I truly think it was because he lost his sense of self. He was forgetting who he was and why he was here. I believe this because he told George not to let him go. Obviously they all thought he wouldn't kill himself, they said so, but why did he say "don't let me go?" I think it's because George knows him, probably better than his own family, and understands the fiber of his being. George is the last connection to that being. He hears Will talk about his life and his depression and eventually snaps out of it, I believe this to have happened because he hasn't lost anything or who he was, who he was is a father and a husband and that's all he had to be.

In a similar fashion to Will, I envied the Groden family to an extent. I'm fully honest about the fact that I believe solitude is a luxury. I think being on my own and thinking to myself helps me stop and think clearly without a mess around me. I would really love to live out in the middle of nowhere in most people's eyes. Although, they lived in the desert and I would much rather live in the woods, the shear since of aloneness is what I would want. However, unlike them, I'd have to have a job because I'd really need electricity and the internet, I am a kid of this generation. But I like to be alone. It's when I do some of my best work. Either then, or with my closest friends. I've always said I didn't need much space wise. I just need a space to create and think.