Nobody Knows Me

"Who are you?"

Believe it or not, that's a question I've asked myself multiple times in my life. Not necessarily because I don't know who I am, but it was more like I was trying to ask myself "who do you want to be?" It's oddly similar to Ghandi's saying "be the change you wish to see in the world" what was the change I wanted to see?

Honestly, I've never once been able to answer that question, and it's only fitting I'm asked it again. I could tell you the obvious answer 'because I was born, and I was only born so that my brother had a sibling.' Or I could go all philosophical 'I am here for a purpose and for something far greater than you or I could understand.' But the truth inadvertently is, I have no clue. I can't even come up with a lame excuse as to why I'm here. I really don't believe I'm here because I'll somehow unconscionably change someone's life.

I remember reading an essay a long time ago that said that a person 'dies' every 7 or so years. Not like actually dying, but that cells and what not are reborn every 7 years, thus changing your personality ever so slightly. Kind of like a Phoenix, it's still the same bird, but a whole new bird as well.  I believe it. I truly do. I can say that who I was 7 or so years ago is no where to who I am now. The things I did, acted, said, etc seem like things I could never do now. It truly feels like a whole other person. Some people will just say it's because you've grown and learned, which is true, but it's weird to think just how many distinct personalities we have had in our lives. How many times we've died. It's a strange concept, and might be vaguely uninteresting to most. But it was actually a whole study, with experiments and human testing of cells.

So, back to the task at hand, I honestly have no idea who I am or why I'm here. I have no idea what I want out of life or what I'm looking for. I'm currently the youngest member of my family (my immediate family obviously, I have younger cousins) which means until a child is born from either my brother or me where we pass down our parents genes, I'm the last member of this bloodline. I've heard before that your soul purpose in life is that you are to pass on the bloodline and keep the family alive. It's strange to think just how many bloodlines have crossed and combined to create the limbs of a family tree, but that's a whole separate beast. The shear answer to this question is I don't know, and I can't possibly tell you.

 I literally looked at the blind contour drawing Sheheryar did of me and kept asking "who the hell are you?" I still couldn't even come up with answer. Oddly enough, it's probably my favorite drawing or portrait of me, more so than any photo. Only because I've always wanted to know what I looked like through someone else's eyes. Granted, it's not an exact representation obviously, but it's still me. And strangely, I can see myself in it. I feel like it might actually be an unknown perfect representation of me and my life. I'm a little bit of a mess, my life is a little bit of mess. It's disorganized and cluttered, but still somehow put together. I've never bought a set of anything, nothing matches, everything is a mismatch of randomness. I just saw that contour drawing and was like "oh shit, that is you." It spoke volumes some how.